And I Call This My Life...♥

Moving...

2008-04-02T02:59:00.000-07:00

I'm moving my blog to wordpress.

tiffanimichelle.wordpress.com

2 weeks, really?

2008-03-25T21:02:00.000-07:00

It's been 2 weeks since my last post and there's a lot going on.

The new job is wonderful. For once, I feel like i'm doing something that I will continue to enjoy, not dread. They're wonderful with training me. Which is one thing the other job lacked. I learned it all pretty much by myself and screwed up a lot. So, that's why people didn't appreciate me. They couldn't stop looking at all of the bad things I did(because of lack of training) and see where I was able to get myself to.

Chad got us a new puppy. His name is Lenny. Pictures will come soon. He's a border collie and blue heeler mix. He's so fun to play with. He's my first puppy. Abigail is my first dog, but Lenny has been mine since he came home. So, that's the difference. I love my little Abigail. She's doing well too. Getting used to the new little brother and cuddling up to him at night.

That's all I have for right now. I hope everyone is doing well. I don't have blogger.com at work, so I can't write :( But, i'll try to get on more often.

Beginning To Breathe Again♥

2008-03-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

So, with the good, comes the bad.

First, the good. I'm finally figuring out my communication problems, or lack thereof. I'm finally gaining my happy self back and it feels great. I've been making Chad so unhappy lately. All because, my attitude sucked and I was always on edge. Now, i'm changing it. When I first met him, I was SO happy and funny. Over the past few months, I lost that part in myself. I feel her inside and i'm pulling so hard for her to shine again, and she is starting to.

I found out that my uncle has liver cancer and his prognosis doesn't look too great. We know a little more information by the day, but it doesn't make it easier. He's such a great man, he's lived a great life. He's a catholic priest. He baptized me and performed my first communion. I always thought he'd be the one to perform my marriage ceremony, but now that's not looking feasible. He's older, and i'm focusing on all of the great things he's done and the lives he's changed. He's such a strong and courageous man.

I have 1 day and 21 minutes left at my job. Then, i'm on to starting my new one on Thursday. I'm excited, scared, nervous, and all around happy about starting a new one. People keep telling me how missed i'm going to be and I can't help but tear up when they do. This place has been my life since I was 19...that's 4 years. Now, I have a new place to call my work life. I really don't know how i've survived all of the things that have happened to me.

What I do know is that, 2008 is going to be great. It started out a little rough, but now, it's so promising and optimistic.

March 4, 2008

2008-03-04T11:03:00.000-08:00

Wow...it's been a while, eh.

I can't explain how I feel right now.

I've made so many things so much harder than they should be. I've lost love for myself. It depresses me. I don't feel beautiful, sexy, smart, or funny anymore.

It hurts.

The fact that i've done this to myself, hurts even more.

I took something amazing, and I broke it. It is repairable, I know it.

I quit my job last Wednesday, my last day is Wednesday the 12th. I couldn't be happier about it. My new job is going to change a lot. I'll be happier and more satisfied with my job. That's been the biggest thing is that I'm not happy with my job. I bring my work issues home with me, and I shouldn't. I take my frustrations out on others. My new job is so excited about me starting, it's great. For once, going somewhere new is a great feeling.

I slept alone last night for the first time in about 4 months. It really sucked. I had nothing. When I woke up every half hour or so, my "BabyLove"(my parent's cat that I raised from a little kitty) was curled up in my arms. I'd start crying and do what I could to get more rest.

Today, I feel as though i've been on a 6 month drinking binge. My lips burn, my head is pounding, and my mouth feels sticky. My head is positive, my heart♥ is hurting. I made a mistake, one I can't take back, but I felt I did what I had to. I definitely learned a thing or two this week. They're hard lessons, but i'm learning them.

Scentsy Consultant

2008-02-25T07:41:00.000-08:00

I am now a scentsy consultant. Scentsy warmers are seriously the BEST form of candles. They're decorative, fresh, fun and you can change the fragrance whenever you'd like. If you want to check it out, my website is www.scentsy.com/5885. You can look at the catalog online and all of my contact information is on my consultant page. They can ship right to your house or I can deliver them locally. So, check them out and if you're interested in becoming a consultant or just want to order the products call me or email me. Like I said, all of my info is on my consultant page.

Thank you all for the support you offer in my new business venture.

Best wishes,
Tiffani.

Close You Eyes and View Yourself....♥

2008-02-22T11:12:00.001-08:00

When I looked at him, I just knew. I'd done something terrible. Unintentionally terrible, I might add.

I've been so worried about losing the love of my life that it was actually pushing him further away. Everything he said, just kind of clicked. I'm being too needy! I'm being too worried! I am not the girl he fell in love with!

This morning, I woke up, and took a breath. It's going to be okay. I'm going to laugh, live, and love today. I'm going to laugh, live and love myself, rather. I'll still love him, but i'm letting him be him while I "regroup" myself. It's going to be a hard road, but i'm up for the challenge.

On the job front, I got a REJECTION email this morning. I could have cried, but I didn't. I went on another interview today. So, I checked in with the guy. His reply was fast and POSITIVE. "We are very impressed by you. I have one more interview and i'll be scheduling the day for you to come back in and do the second interview"! Phew! That lifted me. No reason to get down when one doesn't work out. Move on to the next, right? Well, I am.

An hour later, I spoke to a friend at the company I got the rejection from and it turns out, I wasn't actually rejected. I got a letter from the corporate office, but the local office hadn't made any decisions yet. Phew! Number 2.

I'm staying strong, sticking it out and figuring it out.

I'm changing for myself, my love, my baby girl, and my future.

I'm A Mess...

2008-02-21T12:19:00.000-08:00

I just wrote a blog, thought I deleted it, decided to start new, deleted the header and actually realized that I didn't delete anything at all.

Basically, i haven't heard back from either job interviews, but i'm still confident.

My life is a mess right now. My mood has been so awful lately. I've taken things out on Chad that I shouldn't have.

Today, i'm depressed. Yesterday, I picked myself up and laughed a ton. This morning, and afternoon, I can't place my mood. I feel like i've let myself down. I feel like i've done some damage. To myself and my best friend.

I'm staying as strong as possible, but I just want my bed and my tears. Although, I want that feeling of the things I want to go away. I don't want to mope and lay in bed. I want to go back in time, maybe just a few weeks, but I know I can't. So, i'm facing the day....everyday.

Today, It Just Feels Too Hard...

Alone, at my desk, crying.....

2008-02-15T14:24:00.000-08:00

Tears of joy...are all that are coming from my eyes.

As of this morning, this is all I felt:

Last night, I came home to a flat tire, a nail got it. So, on top of the lack of money, I now have to worry how to pay for this tire. I still don't have a new job. AND every interview/resume response, didn't work out. I've been sinking into the dark hole of depression(explained in my last blog). I was beginning to be positive and happy. Then, my tire really just bursted my bubble.

As of 3 o'clock mountain time....I can't stop crying.

I received a phone call on a job i've been DYING to hear from. My initial phone interview went so well. So well that, I have an interview on TUESDAY. WOOT. then, I get an email from another employer for a great opportunity that I submitted my resume for THIS MORNING. I'll be interviewing with him on MONDAY. Last but not least, my dad took my tire in this afternoon and it was under warranty and replaced for FREE.

I now just feel so grateful that i've been patient. I can feel it paying off. The only tears I can muster are of pure bliss. Knowing that I am going to succeed and god...AND the power of my mind set are pushing me in the BEST of directions.

I say this now "All of my patience, hardwork, dedication, are paying off. I now get to CHOOSE what I WANT...NOT take WHAT I NEED".

I'll be commenting on all of the new posts from my fellow bloggers tomorrow.

Wishing you all well.

Remember when I was funny, happy, sweet, and extremely charming?

2008-02-13T13:00:00.000-08:00

Yep, believe it. I was.

Okay, in all fairness, I still am those things. Except, they've gone into hiding.

I've been stressed beyond belief lately. I don't pay any "household" bills. I pay MY bills and that's it. My bills total a measley $532 a month. Pretty low, right? I make roughly 3-4 times that a month. Well, it's taken me 6 months to get the handle on my bills. Now that I have, they'll never be high again. Anyways, so I feel like i'm not contributing enough, financially. So, from this pay period on, i'll be putting my money in the bank to pay my bills and the rest into Chad's. Becaue that way, at least I'll feel like i'm helping out.

Weights lifted off my sholders...1

Secondly, i've been stressed about my weight. See, I have a boyfriend. My boyfriend's dad has a boat. I, however, look awful in a bathing suit. Okay, maybe not completely awful, but I could look better. So, i've been watching what I eat more. Surprise to me, i've actually gone down a few pounds. 5 to be exact. I was 150 when I met Chad. 3 months after, I was 138. As of today, i'm 133. My summer "goal" is to be to 120. No problem there.

Weights lifted....2

Last, but never least, my attitude is now being left at the door. I've been so worried about NOT getting a new job, losing Chad, and trying to be perfect. When Chad said to me, "Stop being afraid of losing me, you HAVE me", I was floored. With that, came tears of sadness, joy, and confusion. Why am I being so neurotic? Why am I not being that "Happy Tiff" that people like? Where did I fall? Why did I fail?

The answer to all of the questions couldn't have come sooner. I'd like to make a reference to "the secret" now. The secret, although I've never seen it, basically states "mind set over matter". If you think bad things are going to happen, they will. Lately, only negative thoughts have come to my mind. Well, if I want to be happy...."IF" has to come out of my dictionary and be replaced with "WHEN".

So, i'm leaving you all with some of my own "WHEN" statements:

When I get a new job, i'll be so happy and we'll be financially great.

When I get into that teeny tiny bikini, i'll be satisfied.

When I look in the mirror, I'll always see how beautiful I am.

When i'm 65 sitting with Chad on our porch(in our matching rocking chairs with beautiful grandkids playing in the yard), i'll know I made my life was all it was supposed to be.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THE LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU'VE ALL GIVEN ME DURING THIS "TRYING" TIME. IT'S DUALLY NOTED AND MUCH APPRECIATED.

Dear Brain

2008-02-11T13:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Brain,

Stop being so self conscious of who you are.

You are..

Beautiful

Smart

Fun

Amazing

and

Loved

It's hard to be with you when you're so neurotic. Girls text him, yes. Have you looked at the man you love? He's gorgeous and girls will always want what you have. He's been an amazing addition to your life and you're lucky to have him.

If you don't stop this bitchiness, you may lose him. He texts with girls and there's nothing you can do. It doesn't mean he wants them. It just means that he's bored at work, talking for entertainment, and just maintaining a friendship.

He loves you. You see it when he looks at you. He whispers it to you when he wakes up to YOUR alarm at 5AM, and even though it's an hour and a half before he has to get up, it doesn't bother him one bit. He makes sure you are taken care of. He pays the bills, he lets you live in his house, and he's with you 100% of the "off work" time. Don't get angry if he talks to another girl 1% of that time.

Don't forget about the love you have for him. Ignore the other girls. They're just that, girls. You're the woman, the woman he wants to be with. Forget all of the BS and remember the man you love. Keep the love together. This is the man that you are born to be with, so be with him. Don't let whores affect that. They're nothing, and honey, you are EVERYTHING TO HIM.

All of the love in the world,
Your Hearts♥

Can I please speak to you for a minute?

2008-02-07T11:05:00.000-08:00

Hi. I need to speak with you.

I've been thinkng about life a lot lately. Trying to decipher the word "friend". Now, the word friend means-"one attached to another by affection or esteem". That's better than any way I could describe the word friends. So, we'll stick with it.

Now, in all of my podering, I've realized that I have a handful of friends. Not a big handful, a small one. There are people in my life that want what's best for me. They care about me. They ask how my life is going. They ask how my boyfriend and little girl are doing. They don't pass judgement too fast when given a situation. They want to be a part of my future. They show that they want a part in my future. And I do all the same for them.

That's what you call a friend. A person who cares.

I also know my fake friends from my real friends. I don't talk to my fake friends, obviously. Nor, do I have them ANYWHERE in my life. What's the point of having someone in your life that you know talks badly of you, makes fun of you, and then shows up in your face to play nicely? I don't quite get the "fake friend" concept. If I think someone's a piece of shit or a person I don't want in my life, I let it be known. I don't know for sure why people sugar coat everything. In Utah, I see that so much. I just wonder if it's different everywhere else.

What I do know for sure is, I've met the man of my dreams. He's my best friend, the love of my life, and the man I was born to spend my life with. He's real, honest, and to the point. He never hurts my feelings or bad mouths me to his friends. His friends and family all think i'm perfect, because he portrays me that way. He's more perfect than I could ever dream of, but sometimes, I don't give him the credit he deserves. I can't wait to spend my life with my best friend ever. We're going to have the sweetest puppies, make beautiful blonde-headed babies, and live our lives happily.

Because we are choosing to live our lives the way we want.

I've Been Tagged...♥

2008-02-05T08:16:00.000-08:00

Miss Suzie has tagged me.

Here are the Rules:
1.Link to the person that tagged you
2.Post the rules on your blog
3.Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
4.Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
5.Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

First-I have a weird quirk with numbers. I don't like odd numbers, except #5, AT ALL. No matter what it is, I always have to have a 5 or an even number. If not, I do WHATEVER it takes to get it that way.

Second-I worry all too much. Even the smallest things, I worry about. It's actually very pathetic, but I can't help it. It's in my genetics. I worry so much that it makes me physically ill.

Third-Sometimes I push myself to the brink of exhaustion. I want to be perfect and I want to have a fabulous future. I always fear that if I don't succeed, Chad won't want to be with me(this goes back to the second thing). I know he does and he only wants me to succeed too, but sometimes my mind tells me i'm not good enough for him.

Fourth-I love the rain, but only the hot rain. Like in the spring/summer when it's somewhat muggy outside...I LOVE THAT.

Fifth-My dad was 19 when he married my mom. She was 15 and pregnant. However, they got pregnant so my grandparents(my mom's parents) would let them get married. They've now been together for 28 years. My parents are still so in love, as well. They can get really lovey dovey and mushy sometimes.

Sixth-I went to Kauai, Hawaii in September. On my first day of vacation, which was also my first time at the beach in 10+ years, I was wading in the water and got stung. By what, you ask? By a "Japanese Man of War" AKA a Jelly fish. It wasn't anything awful. It just felt like someone poking me repeatedly with a bunch of needles. My grandpa offered to pee on me, but he'd just gone to the bathroom. Haha. Gross. Nice of him, but gross.

So, that's me. I'll be tagging Ash-Hole, Linds, and Jenna Bella.

GoodBye...♥

2008-02-04T13:41:00.000-08:00

She Apologized.
I Couldn't Accept.
It Was Time To Say Goodbye.

I met this girl, we'll call her Kathy, through a friend of mine. We hit it off, became pretty close friends, and then she moved 300 miles away. I kept up with the friendship for a while. Kathy would always tell me that I wasn't a good friend because I never visited her. Visiting her wasn't the problem, money was.

She's lived there for almost 3 years now and i've seen her twice. If she ever needed a friend, i'd be here. She'd always text me and we'd talk about our lives, stresses, love and friendships.

One day last week, she sent me a text telling me her husband had thrown her into a wall three times and had bruised her kidney, liver and small intestine. Which, by the way, isn't really possible. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. So, I asked if she pressed charges on him. Her response was no. I said,"Well, that's your decision". I wasn't saying it to be rude, just trying to be supportive.

She pretty much just freaked out on me after that. Telling me i'm a horrible friend for not visiting her. She also said some very hurtful things about my boyfriend. I took it pretty well. Told her to stop her little pity party and such. Never once did I disrespect her or say anything hurtful.

Her last text: "All I did was tell u some info today i didn't complain or anything and you should talk suicide queen. Leave me alone unless u want a harassmfmt charge C*NT."

Now, i'm sorry, but that's so uncalled for.

Saturday night, I got a text saying "I'm sorry there are no excuses for my actions". She's right, there is no excuse. You just totally disrespected me, my boyfriend, and some of the other people I love, so i'm not sccepting an apology.

As far as I'm concerned, the friendship is dead. I hope Kathy has a great life, but it's not a life I want ANY part of.

Updating

2008-01-29T09:00:00.000-08:00

So, it's been a few days and not much has changed in my life. I'll give you a quick rundown.

Chad and I are better than ever. I think we both realize how much we love each other a little more everyday. We met 8 months ago today. I've lived with him since November. So, we moved rather quickly. I pretty much lived with him before we used the "L" word.

Even though we moved faster than we would have liked, I don't regret the decision. We've had some battles and struggles with our relationship. But it took those struggles for us to grow. Now, we know what we want. We want each other and everything we have to offer. I'm not getting married tomorrow, though. So, no need to start planning anything. We're taking it day by day and growing.

Our roommate, Steve, told me that we make a really happy couple and you know...we really do. Our home is full of love and laughter, even in bad times. You must laugh through the struggles, right? Well, for us, it works. He is so supportive of my goals and ambition. He sticks with me through everything and gives me positive criticism. He is pushing for me to be the best, as I am him. Together, we'll take on the world, no doubt about it. He's the Love Of My Life.

As far as work goes, it gets hard to make it through the day sometimes. I got a $1.00 raise. A dollar is a dollar, so I can't complain. However, I do have an interview this week with a company that will pay 2 dollars more an hour. YAY! Wish me luck. It feels like it's going to be a great opportunity and it feels like "the one". So, now it's all about interviewing and being hired.

Our Little Girl, Abigail, is growing up so fast. She just turned 1 last Monday. She's starting to become more independent. She doesn't need "Mom" and "Dad" to entertain her anymore. She's finding her own entertainment. She's getting so big, so fast. She'll be a mommy next year. I'm so excited to have little baby puppies running around. Well, until they're sold anyways. I keep saying "Babe, can I have a puppy?". Haha. The answer is always no, but I know we have enough responsibility for one pup for now.

So, i'm a little discouraged with my job, but I'm still happy. My life is so full of love from Chad, Abigail, My Family, and My Friends. No matter the struggles, i'm still so so blessed.

Hope all is well with you and yours.

Job Hunting

2008-01-22T13:25:00.000-08:00

I must have applied/sent resumes to 4,560,083 potential employers today.

I get so tired when I job hunt, seriously. Have you ever done it? It's hard.

I'm so stressed out in my life right now. My hair is falling out, I am nauseated 99.888888899999% of the time, and I cry whenever I get a second to myself.

See, I have a tough job. I have to have the utmost patience. I do the job of 4 full time employees, and make just a few dollars over minimum wage. My position in other companies pays 15.00+ an hour and that's for 1 job being done, not 4. It's sad, really.

I'm not pitying myself, though I would like to. It just makes me sad because this is my first "real" job and there is no acknowledgement or benefit to everything i've learned. I've worked hard. I trained myself, for the most part. I came to work with pneumonia for a week. Now tell me that's not dedication.

I just wish someone could see my potential and for god's sake, "Show Me The Money".

I'm a Survivor. At this point, that's all I can be.

I know that life's handed me some "downs", but that just means "ups" are right around the corner, right? I sure hope i'm handed a lot of "ups" in the next little while, because sometimes holding out feels unbearable.

Survey...♥

2008-01-22T07:43:00.000-08:00

1. Where is the person you have feelings for right now?
He's probably just leaving his work shop to go out on a job.

2. What are you doing Friday night?
We don't have plans, at this point.

3. Name what you did yesterday?
Worked, drove to spanish fork, played xbox, fell asleep, went to the store and then back to bed.

4. Last person you text messaged?
Steve-O.

5. Who was the last person to call you?
I don't even know.

6. What are you doing right now?
Invoicing, and this survey.

7. What color are your eyes?
Christian said it best..."Your eyes are like navy around the outside, blue and green on the inside, and you have a speck of yellow and brown in the center.

8. Do you like anyone?
I like nice, genuine people.

9.Are you dating the last person you kissed?
Yes, have been for a while now.

10. Who is the last person to message you?
Lindsers.

11. What color is your hair?
Brown.

12. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid?
Yeah, I always sang

14. Who knows a secret or two about you?
Chad and my "balcony crew".

15. When was the last time you lied?
Friday.

16. Do you like fires?
I like cuddling up next to a fire

17. Did you have a nap today?
Nope, it's 9 AM.

18. What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?
Jeans

19. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
I don't actually remember.

20. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?
Maybe one day in my life I did

23. Where were you 1 hour ago?
Same place I am now

24. Where were you 8 hours ago?
Cuddled up in my bed.

25. Has anyone ever told you that they like you more than as a friend?
They didn't have to tell me, I just knew.

28. What are you looking forward to?
Just seeing where my life takes me.

29. Do you want to kill someone right now?
E V I L

30. What radio station do you listen to?
Right now, K-Bull 93. I'm thinking of turning on some KT Tunstall though.

31. Do you still have pictures of you & your ex?
I cropped all of them out of the pics. I looked cute and they didn't lol.

32. What are you listening to?
Don't BLink

33. What do most people call you?
Tiff.

34: Who would you pick to disappear from the planet?
No one, that's pretty evil, too...

36: Largest age difference between yourself and someone you've dated?
He was almost 10 years older than me. I was young and dumb :(

37: What time did you wake up today?
5:50AM.

38: How do you want your death?
Peacefully

39: Have you ever cried because of something someone said to you?
Yeah.

41: Rock, paper, scissor...
Rock is the first choice everytime.

42: How often do you go to church?
Never.

43: Speaking of church, are you going to heaven or hell?
Heaven, no doubt.

45: If you're having a bad day, who are you most likely to vent to?
Chad.

46: Do you like to cuddle?
I can never get enough.

47: What is your biggest fear?
I do my best at not fearing anything

48: Are you confident?
A little too much sometimes

49: Are you a good driver?
I think so, Chad doesn't. lol.

50: Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend?
He's at work

51: Why did your last relationship end?
Because the guy was PSYCHOTIC.

52: Three favorite candies?
Truffles, Sour Patch Kids, and Screamin' Sours.

53: What do your parents do?
They have day jobs and own their own business.

54: If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
New York, the first chance I get. Paris will be the summer home.

55: Where do you think the most attractive oppostie sex comes from?
America?

56: Pets?
Our Little Girl, Abigail.

57: What are you doing tomorrow?
Working.

58: Favorite person to get advice from?
My momma.

59: What time is it?
3:00PM.

Shedding Some Light On Myself...

2008-01-21T12:52:00.000-08:00

I hate feeling like i've failed. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have it now. I feel like everything I say or do, is wrong.

I start to get nauseated. I worry all too much. I get restless thinking how is :this: going to blow up in my face? When really, why should I worry? People know who I am. They know I don't hide a ton from people. I'm an open person.

Well, i've learned a lesson. Sometimes, I speak before I think. It can hurt people and I need to not do that, because that's not the type of person I am.

I need to be more private.
I need to live a little more quietly.
I can't spill my heart everywhere.
When I have problems, I need to go to the person I have the problem with.

The Shell That Is Now Broken....

2008-01-14T13:43:00.000-08:00

I Was Starting To Fall...

Hard and Fast...

I Couldn't Catch Myself...

And The One Person That Could Have Caught Me....

Was The Reason I Was Falling...

I Couldn't Tell That Person How I Felt...

That Person Had Enough Stress...

And I Felt Bad That I Was The Biggest Stress...

I Started To Die...

Little By Little...

Everyday...

Kari Knew It...

She Told Me I Was Already Pretty Dead...

I Lived In A Shell...

I Was Protected...

Secured...

But, Too Sad...

I learned a lesson lately. Withdrawal isn't the right answer. I was keeping my mouth shut to make someone else happy. Even though, I know that person wasn't happy. My feelings of love and friendship with that person were dying. I felt like I was the WORST thing to ever happen to that person. I was holding everything in for fear of what I may lose. When in reality, the only thing I was losing was myself.

Then, I released. I said everything I needed to.

I didn't lose anything. In fact, I think something grew bigger, better, and stronger because of it.

Thoughts Then And Thoughts Now.

2008-01-08T14:03:00.000-08:00

Then...being about a year ago.

What bar will I go to tonight?
What kind of guy will I meet?
Will I get laid?
Will I wake up on time for work?
Do I have enough cigarettes to make it through my drinking night?
Am I drinking beer, liquor, or how about both?

Now...Being Well, Now and Future.

I'm lucky to have him in my life.
I love my Little Girl, Abigail.
What will the earth be like, physically, in 10-20 years?
How much do I need to save to go to Italy?
How does the microwave ACTUALLY work?(Believe it or not, I know the answer).
I know the steps I need to take to better my life and theirs, and i'm taking them.
I can't wait for fall semester.
I love the feeling of standing up for myself.
I am appreciated.
What do I want out of life?
Will we get married?
How many kids are we going to have?
I contribute to the world, in a positive way.

I can't say that "he" is the only reason I grew up, but he's definitely been a great supporter and "pusher"...for me to go into the right direction. I'm not terrified anymore. I have him by my side and everyday I find a new love and appreciation for him.

I want to be a wife and mother, someday. First, I want to have a career, a marriage, and I want to have my life sorted out. I want to travel places with "him". I want to enjoy "us", before we have a family. I want to work, build a life, and be a strong woman for my future husband and kids. I have the world in my hands, now I just need to grasp and love it.

Last year, I didn't think about my goals, I thought about my dreams. Sounds odd, but to me, it makes total sense.

Thank you for the appreciation.

2008-01-08T14:00:00.000-08:00

So, I asked for the raise that I truly deserve yesterday.

I got it.

I don't know the amount yet, but i'll be getting one nonetheless.

I'm still piloting for another job though.

I need more in a job. More advancement, more opportunity.

There's great opportunity here, but it'll take quite a few more years to get there.

Who knows how much the economy will change by that time?

Sex Offender Meets Tiffani.

2008-01-04T07:40:00.000-08:00

This is the blog I wrote on myspace a few days after meeting the sex offender.I saw him 2 more times in the mall after I posted this blog. I was so scared I hid from him.

February 22, 2007 - Thursday

I'm NOT going to lie...I'm a little scared now!!
Current mood: nervous
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Okay, this is kind of a long story, so bare with me here....lol!!

Sunday: I'm at work with 4 pieces....yes 4....in my hair!!(I used to work in the mall selling fake hair pieces. They were rather cute actually). I was HAIR, that's it!! A guy approaches me and tells me that he'd like me to do some modeling for him! He starts telling me about himself, movie sets he's worked on, pics of him with some of the celebs he's worked with(jess simpson, treat williams, cuba gooding....to name a few)....So, I thought 'Wow, he seems pretty dang legit, but i'm not going to just jump in and go for it!' He asks me for my number and I say okay....what's the worst that could happen? I can always change my number! He texts me and says, "I hope this doesn't sound silly, but i'm really excited to work with you!"...Wow, a little unprofessional, don't you think?

I meet up with him after work....purely out of curiousity! Don't worry, I brought my friend, Randi, with me...for my own safety! He tells me about his career and the things he's done in the past....just a ton of stuff! He seemed REALLY "iffy" at that point........

We all know me....I'm going to eventually end up in a BODY bag because I'm "Curious Tiffani"! When something sounds fishy, I get nosy and try to figure it all out......

Monday: So, I agree to meet up with him after work! He texted me and said good morning! Now that is EVEN MORE unprofessional! I ignored it!! I call him after work and he tells me to meet him at Wheeler Farm to meet "Susie" one of his models that was "dying to meet me".....right? So, I go......ugh.....

I meet "Susie" and she's telling me about art exhibits, places he's worked, and how he's SO good at what he does! He goes on to tell me in private that he wants me to commit to him for 1 year.....This means: No dating/sex/relationships, being at his beck and call, always answering to him, and extravagant trips! I'm calling bullshit in my head the WHOLE time.....

"Susie": A girl that's still a while away from 19...been working with him for a year and a half...does drugs...is VERY naive...he buys her EVERYTHING....she talks about the gifts he gives her, the massages that he gives to help her "lose weight"...and just a whole bunch of stuff!

We're standing there talking, his camera in hand and he says..."Tell me you want to fuck me!" Ummm...that's like WAY OVERBOARD unprofessional, but at that point, I was honestly a little scared for myself! I just thought to myself...I don't even know how to describe this feeling! It's like nervous, terrified, and just plain bad.......I get back in the car to warm up and he starts talking about how we should all go and get drunk in Wendover and shoot pics all night! I was like WTF?? NO NO NO!!!

He starts telling me how he's going to pay me $100 dollars an hour to "act" like i'm his girlfriend/mistress/lover.......GROSS...he told me he was 55....DOUBLE GROSS!!

Tuesday: I see his car...a silver buick with a police antenna and radios in his car!?!?....broken down on the road, with a WOMAN inside! He claims he's unmarried, right? Yeah, weird! I had Jacob come with me back to the car to talk to the woman and get info on this guy!! Well, the car was gone when we got back! So, he calls me and I tell him I don't want to hear from him anymore....he agrees and quickly ends the conversation!!

So, i'm in the shower and I think, 'Why don't you check the sex offender registry for him?' Something I should have done in the first place.....duh.....So, i look him up and SURE enough, he was convicted of 2 second degree charges for sexual abuse of a child! His targets are in fact, adult females and minor females!! Needless to say, I was quite upset! I put myself in a situation that could have turned to my own "murder or rape investigation"....what was i thinking? Well, I was just overboard curious!!

Now, i'm worried about "susie", she's young naive and doesn't quite understand what she's getting into....or at least, that's what I think!! Yeah, so that's my FREAKY scary story!!
Now, i'm scared to go anywhere at night, scared to go to work, be anywhere alone......ugh......i hate PEDOPHILES>.......what is this world coming to!?!?!?!?

Nothing to Blog About.

2008-01-03T13:21:00.000-08:00

10 random things you may not know about me:
1. I only eat M&M's by color and even numbers.
2. I was stung by a jelly fish my first time to the beach in like 15 years and it was my first day of vacation.
3. I have a fro. No joke. My hair is super curly and all brushed out it stands on end.
4. I listen to my new cd's a million times over because I HAVE to know EVERY word.
5. I've battled an eating disorder(okay 2) since I was 12 years old. I'm winning the fight though.
6. I think that my life could be a reality show.
7. I was stalked by a convicted sex offender and let him stalk me so that I could figure him all out.
8. I'll probably die because of my curiousity. I want to be a detective and figure everything out.
9. I was almost kidnapped when I was 14.
10. I'm freaking HIlarious. I have a bitchy smartass attitude most days, but hide it a lot of the time.

9 places i have visited:
1. Kauai, Hawaii.
2. California.
3. Idaho.
4. St. George.
5. Vegas.
6. Arizona when I was little.
7. Tiajuana.
8. Elko, Nv.
9. Wendover.

8 ways to win my heart:
1. Hold my hand.
2. Kiss me on the forehead.
3. Introduce me to your family and friends.
4. Show me affection in public.
5. Love You Family
6. Make me giggle when I have a bad day.
7. When I cry, even if it's for no reason, hold me and tell me it'll be okay.
8. Tell me you love me and MEAN it.

7 things I want to do before I die:
1. get married
2. have a family
3. Live in Italy.
4. Have a great career.
5. Have a strong relationship with my mom.
6. skydive.
7. Swim with Sharks.

6 things I am afraid of:
1. I
2. refuse
3. to
4. live
5. in
6. fear.

5 things I don’t like:
1. Confrontation
2. Liars.
3. Cheaters.
4. Negative People.
5. Onions.

4 ways to turn me off:
1. Talk to me about an ex.
2. COmpare me to a family member.
3. Tell me I wouldn't look fat if it weren't for my love handles.
4. Have bad breath.

3 things I do everyday:
1. Laugh.
2. Sleep.
3. Thank my honey.

2 things that make me happy:
1. My baby cakes...both of them.
2. Feeling appreciated.

1 thing on my mind right now:
1. I need to stop stressing.

Happy New Year♥

2008-01-02T14:01:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everyone. We spent the New Year with Chad's brother, Lance and all of their friends. It was definitely the best new years of my life. I got to kiss him at midnight. Beginning this year with him. I'm so blessed to have my amazing family, friends, Chad, and Abigail.

Last year began rough, but ended with sheer happiness. I live with Chad now. We're building our future together. I made my first "Casa de Schouten" purchase this past weekend. I bought a lamp for our bedroom and blinds for the computer room.

Chad's made my life so wonderful from the moment he walked in. I don't know how i'd survive without him. At first, I knew I didn't want a relationship. The more I pushed the relationship away, the more we began to grow together. I still don't know how to understand or explain what happened. Mostly because, I don't know how we got to this place. All I know is,I have the best boyfriend and puppy, Abigail, in the whole world.

I've drifted from most of my friends, but the closest ones I have know I love them very much. They've been there for me and always will be. I appreciate them all so much.

Happy New Year to you all.

Wilco, Bubbles, and Wine.

2007-12-20T14:12:00.000-08:00

This hasn'tbeen the easiest week of my life. I've had a million eye opening experiences...no joke. I've cried, laughed, loved, hated, yelled, pissed, moaned, and laughed again.

I reached my breaking point yesterday.

After a long day at the office, I cried the whole way home. I quickly contained myself before my boyfriend came home. We talked once he did. He's amazing. He always knows what to say to keep me thinking straight. To keep me going. I am blessed to have him in my life.

Today, I woke up cheerful. Once I got to work, it all went down hill.

I'm quitting my job in January. I'm moving on. I've been here for 3 and a half years. Change terrifies me, but I have changed so much this year. I figure, now's the time to get it done. So, i'm doing it.

The holidays have me stressed, man. Not money. Just stressed with family and stuff. Ugh...Can't we just skip it?

Hello Again...♥

2007-12-18T13:56:00.000-08:00

So, it's been a month. Hi.

I'm doing my best to grow.
Changing from a girl to a woman.
It takes time.
It's taken me 22 years and an amazing man.
Now, I know the direction I want to go.
I'm finding my future self.
I'm happy.
I'm in love.
I'm laughing.
Most of all, i'm learning.
Learning to free myself from my own restraints.

I'm the only one who has control over me, but for so long, i've let everyone else control me. From what jobs I do, to what color hair i'll have. Not anymore. I'm pulling out with inner "bitch" that's been in hiding.

I'm demanding more money. I'm demanding more respect. I won't settle for dishonesty. I'm speaking my mind and saying how I feel. I'm not scared, I'm secure.

I'll do it, and in time, i'll be the amazing woman I have always wished to be. Only now, I have the strength to be that woman.

I Love You...♥

2007-11-12T13:56:00.000-08:00

The three words that terrify me most, but make me feel great when I hear them.

I've always had a problem with this. I never experienced love to it's fullest. I've loved before, but I was young when I did. I said it to only 2 boys. I loved those boys. One a jr. high boyfriend...turned close friend. And to a high school boyfriend turned best friend.

I know what love is and how significant those words are. What terrifies me is if I say it, and the same isn't returned. Although, that's never happened to me, it scared me to think it might.

The day I met "him", I knew and felt that this was my "one".

I took a risk, I jumped, I cried, I fought, and most of all, I let him have my vulnerability.

The moment he reciprocated the feeling, was the most significant, happiest moment of my life. Until the day I die, i'll remember my "true love" and the feeling that rushed through my body when he said "I Love You Too"

I Love My Daddy..

2007-11-09T11:12:00.000-08:00

I spoke my mind this morning...

I wasn't very nice at all...

Am I supposed to be nice to a DeadBeat Father?

I think not.

I have the BEST DADDY in the world. A man that would AND has bent beyond his reach to give me everything I wanted. He's comforted me in times I couldn't comfort myself. He told me I was beautiful every 5 minutes when I was little. He came to dance recitals, baseball games, and cheer practice. All because I was his "little magilla gorilla". He was always so proud of me. Helping me acheive my goals and making some of my dreams come true.

The day he met the love of my life, I saw the "this man is the one for her" look in his eyes, that only a father has. On the day I walk down the aisle(not anytime soon), with my daddy by my side, I know he'll be full of pride for his "little magilla gorilla".

My daddy has made it a point to have strong, loving relationships with myself, and my brothers. He and My Momma have been the best parents in the good and especially in the bad times.

Which brings me to my rant and rave. Recently, I had a friend find out that she was going to have a baby....she was in labor when they told her....an hour later, a handsome little boy came into this world. I love he and his mother so dearly. His father, on the other hand, is completely DeadBeat.

It's not my friends fault. He manipulated her.

Now, i'm usually one to mind my own business, but today I didn't. After receiving a myspace friend request from him, I couldn't take it anymore. I told him exactly how I felt. He's a DeadBeatDad. I told him that. I had to. He has no clue what amazing people he's taking advantage of, but I DO.

I'm blessed to have My Daddy. Some kids aren't. I don't feel bad for him(the baby), however. Because he's got his mom and one day, she'll find the right man. I would rather him have an adopted dad than a DeadBeat one.

The Love is Unconditional...♥

2007-10-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

One week ago...
"I'm done, I can't do this anymore." She packed up her things and said goodbye, for what she thought was going to be the last time. She bent down and gave the puppy a pet and a kiss. She was losing 2 things in the world that she never thought she would ever find. She had to turn her back and walked out on love.

That night, sleep was impossible. She woke up sweating, crying and thinking 'What have I done?'

Fast Forward a week...

She's laying on "his" couch. He says,"Are you cold?". She replies,"I'm freezing!". "Well, it looks like I need to cuddle you, that wouldn't be nice of me, to leave you cold."

With that, she falls asleep in the arms of the guy she knows she was born to be with.

Wishing for Better Days...♥

2007-10-17T09:13:00.000-07:00

Have you ever made a decision without thinking that turned your whole world upside down? Feeling so helpless, lost, and confused?

Well, I had my first experience last night and I want to erase it!

My favorite movie quote♥

2007-10-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

Honestly, when I first saw "The Holiday", I cried like a little girl through most of the movie! It wasn't necessarily a happy or sad cry! More like a cry because I've never had that feeling of "true love" or "true heartbreak" in my life! I'm thankful for not having the "true heartbreak" feeling! I was in love once, but that feeling faded when I lost all respect for the guy I loved! I cried for 2 minutes and NEVER DID AGAIN! I put that pain behind me and built up a wall! I am supposed to be "strong" and "okay"! So, everytime another guy left me saddened and disappointed, I realized that they taught me more about myself and that was what filled my heart! I grew to appreciate the men that left a little dent in my heart.

This is a great movie quote:

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

The "SweetlyTarted" Things I Do....

2007-10-09T08:19:00.000-07:00

So, as it got to be 10 o'clock, Mr. Amazing was sitting on the couch thinking, 'I want some SweetTart Ropes'! Of course, in my busy schedule, I'd forgotten to pick up his BOX of them like I said I would :( Sad Story! He tells me he's going to the store to pick some up and DING...it hits me! I tell him to relax on the couch(he works harder than I do haha) and I'll pick them up!

So, I go the the local Maverik(they sell a box of 36 for $6) to pick them up! Remind you, it's 10:15PM, I haven't had my daily "relax a bath" yet, my hair is all over the place(naturally curly), the daily stress is on my face, and i'm having a VERY "blonde moment" day! Definitely not feeling my best! Anyways, I walk in and come to find out, they have 3 boxes arriving on order at that very second! So, YIPPEE....Instead of getting him one box, I was the amazing girl he's "dating" and brought him 3 :)

After going to the store looking and feeling hagard....I got back to his house....Being welcomed with a kiss, thank you, and a feeling that he really does appreciate the "little" Things I do!

Loving A Guy That May Never Want Me To...♥

2007-10-04T08:02:00.000-07:00

A little Background on My Life's Relationships...♥

Oh wait, not much to report! The only time the "L" Word was involved was my jr. high and high school boyfriend! Not that I didn't mean it, I did, but I was still too young and naive to know what my future would hand me!

I've dated everyone's fair share of guys..haha!

A few of my favorites....♥

Mr. SweetTalker♠-He is the epitome of "jerk"! Here I am...19, naive and extremely sensitive(seeing as to how i had dated 3 guys before him). I didn't know what to think of him besides "Dream Guy"! He was Good Looking, Charming, Sweet, Tall, and all around Perfect! He was also....a partial owner of the company I worked for! Oops....first mistake! He asks me to come see him one night! You know, hang out, watch a movie, drink some wine type of thing! Well, that turned into a romp in the sack(mind you, I was naive)....Whooopsy....Second mistake! I found out a few days later that he was in fact dating the owners daughter! I confronted him...being that cheating(on her, not me) is completely unacceptable in my book....and he swore up and down that "she is crazy", "she is in love with me", and "no, I would never sleep with her"! Here again, I was naive! So, I said okay! I let him toy with my emotions for a year! He started telling me he "loved" me and I was so beautiful, and the next day, he'd be a total prick! Come to find out, the owner's daughter wasn't the only one playing in his pants besides me! I don't have the confirmed number, but it's more than a dozen! Yeah...imagine a guy that can play a girl like that!!

Mr. It'sAlwaysYourFault♣-Everytime anything happened, it was always my fault! One night, all of our friends and us are at a local bar, when I get hit on! I had gone to the bathroom and told "guy" I'd be back! He walks up as I'm politely telling him that I'm seeing someone! I walk back to "guy" and he says "Looks like your next boyfriend already misses you"! I laughed, thinking it was a joke! He gets pissed and says "it's over"! Haha...umm...okay!?!? By the end of the night, all of "friends" had told him what happened and he liked me again! Well, I failed to take the warning that what he'd just done was psychotic! So, I stupidly dated "him" for a month! Everyday I would "do something wrong" and we'd fight! I'm a lover, not a fighter! A month into it, I couldn't handle it anymore and he "hit the road"!

Mr. I OnlyWantOneThing♦-Okay, dated quite a few guys that we'd do dinner and hang out as "friends", until one day there was a spark, a romp, and never a phone call again!

So, this is where my skepticism came in! Everytime I hang out, date, or am "in a relationship" with a guy...I really can't believe it's going to end great! Over the next 2 years, I dated "like a guy"! I would let this guy take me to dinner and then sleep with a different guy that night! I did break a few hearts and let a few guys think I was far more into them than I was! I would be all "broken hearted" and cry for a day or two after they "dumped" me! But, sure enough, by the weekend...the guy was replaced!! I was definitely good at the game!

So, when this year started, it was supposed to be all about me! I didn't want to date, sleep with, or get involved with ANY guys! The first of the year was lonely, but I learned to look to myself for happiness!! Then, out of nowhere, I agree to hang out with this "new guy" one day! It was on a whim, I suppose! He's Tall, Gorgeous, Stylish, Funny, OpenMinded, and Honest! Really, he is like my "Too Good To Be True" Guy! I have never felt more comfortable around a guy as I do him! He makes me laugh and we have a great time together! Not to mention, the first time he kissed me, I was weak in the knees!

My dilemma...I'm "head over heels" for him! He's that one guy that I want to give all of my "Love" and "Affection" to, but I'm not quite sure where he is! I know what he tells me, but sometimes, it feels like he's not sure about me! Almost like, he's wondering if there is someone better! I know he has feelings for me and has grown an attachment, but we are just dating!! Taking things one day at a time, but i'm so impatient(haha..who knew?)! It breaks my hearts♥ to think that this could all blow up in my face!! It's something I want so much and I'm not going to give up!! It's just annoying when I overanalyze it all!!

XoXo...♥
TiffiTata's...♥

Officially Addicted to Surveys....♥

2007-10-03T08:45:00.000-07:00

CRAYON BOX SURVEY:
RED IS LOVE
1. Do you like someone?
Absolutely :)
2. Do you believe in love at first sight?
I believe in instant connections!
3. Do you believe in love?
I'm beginning to!!
4. Have you ever been in love?
How do you know I'm not in love now??

BLUE IS ANGER
1. Are you currently mad at someone?
I have no reason to be mad!
2. Which of your family members has the worst temper?
My Daddy and Me!
3. Have you ever thrown something at anyone?
I constantly throw markers at the guy I work with!
4. Is anyone mad at you?
I hope so, I need entertainment today!
5. Have you ever hurt anyone when you were mad?
Maybe emotionally....and once physically! It's a long story and rather funny to everyone involved!
6. When you're mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell?
I like the "glare"!

YELLOW IS SELF-DISCOVERY
1. Name:
Miss Tiffi Tata's!
2.Best Thing About You?
I'm hilarious...mostly in my own head, but my laugh will crack you up!
3. Do you want children?
Eh...Somedays yes...Somedays no!
4. When do you want to die?
When I'm ready! I still have a TON of living to do!!

ORANGE IS EXCITEMENT
1. Has anyone ever thrown a surprise party for you?
No, but i'm okay with that!
2. If you could have anything/anyone right now what/who would that be?
I'd be running!

GREEN IS OPINIONS
1. Are you against gay marriage?
No, it's unfair to tell someone who they can and can not commit to for the rest of their life!
2. Lower the drinking age?
No, I think it shoud be raised!
3. Are you against abortion?
It depends on the situation...If you're raped and become pregnant, I believe it's personal choice! On the other hand, if you're ready to have sex, you should be ready to take care of "accidental responsibilities"!

PURPLE IS Q&A
Q: How many beds did you lay in today?
Just Kari and Adam's! I'm dog sitting for 2 weeks!
Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
Black!
Q: Name one thing that you did today?
I've been working all day!!
Q: How much cash do you have on you right now?
I haven't really carried cash lately!!
Q: What website do you visit the most?
myspace, blogspot, and yahoo!
Q: Do you have plans for tomorrow?
Dogsitting...Metal Gods...Sex...
Q: What are you doing wednesday?
Today? Hmmm....sex and rock n roll!
Q: Is anything/anyone hurting you right now?
A little, but I brought it on myself!!
Q: When was the last time you cried?
Last night :(

PINK IS LAST
1. Movie watched?
Knocked up!
2. Song you listened to:
Realize by Colbie Caillat!
3. Last person you talked to:
Cody!
4. What are you doing tonight?
I already said, Sex and Rock N Roll!!
5. Tomorrow is:
Thursday!
6. Plans for next summer?
Lounging by my pool!!